The Crown and Sceptre is absolutely the place if you’re looking to host a classic car show. We have an enormous field, within spitting distance of the motorway, and we can take care of catering, too. If pot noodles, oven chips or cake aren’t you’re thing, we love having a crack at frying eggs on car bonnets. (Please not that you’ll have to use your cars, not ours, but we’ll supply the eggs. We guarantee all our eggs come from the local “Little Taste of Freedom” farm where all the chickens enjoy spacious cages containing no more than three hundred birds.) We can even offer free publicity for your car event, courtesy of the roving reporters from the local Cub pack. Your event will be broadcast in their newsletter and is guaranteed to reach at least 25 readers, some of who may even be old enough to hold a driving licence.
We’re also branching out into weddings. Phil, our wedding coordinator, specialises in hosting active, healthy weddings. If you fancy putting your guests through an assault course before getting them to toast the bride and groom with a kale smoothie, Phil’s your guy. For an extra few hundred quid, we can even allow you to have your photo taken with one of our own classic cars. More casual events, including birthdays (over 25s only, please), anniversaries, redundancies and wakes, are also welcome. You can have exclusive use of our bar and a free choice of the hand-painted banners produced for us by the local primary school. I may even be prevailed upon to give an after-dinner speech: my favourite, "How I am Being Ripped Off By Car Insurance Companies" always relaxes the guests so much that some of them actually fall asleep!
Every Thursday night is quiz night at the Crown and Sceptre. There’s a general knowledge round, a pop round (where we restrict ourselves to the 1960s and 70s) and the grand prix that is our automobile round. The winner receives a photo, signed by the landlord, of one of our classic cars. We’ve done away with the wooden spoon and, instead, invite the losing team to make a donation to the landlord’s benevolent car insurance fund. Our newest function is vehicle spotting. On bank holidays or other heavy traffic days, we assemble at the top of the motorway embankment, with our notebooks and thermos flasks in hand. Our points’ system is a bit complex but the highlights are twelve points for an Eddie Stobart lorry with the same name as your wife, girlfriend, daughter or pet dog and twenty-five points for anything you could take on a track day without getting laughed off the circuit. Points are lost for any model of car you have crashed, scratched, dinted or in any way had cause to enter into the seventh circle of hell, that is negotiation with your insurance company.